Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
