I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
