Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
