My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
