I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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