My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
