i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
