I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
