party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Pants are for mortals
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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