Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
