He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize