I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
