He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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