I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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