i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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