if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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