to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
