At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
