so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize