if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
