Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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