So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
