I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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