This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
