so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
