She's JV to your varsity
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize