Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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