I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
