You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
