He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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