i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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