i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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