You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
