I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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