I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
