So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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