You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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