My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He felt like a one man threesome
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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