im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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