I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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