I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
