You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
