Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(515): View more from Iowa

You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype

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(323): View more from California

Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

Fav 17 5162 1248
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(504): View more from Louisiana

Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.

Fav 9 1283 3082
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

Fav 12 4294 1298
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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

Fav 27 4676 1269
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.

Fav 4 1107 2330
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(281): View more from Texas

i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.

Fav 7 1108 2068
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(415): View more from California

I have a present for you

(415): View more from California

Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked

Fav 6 1218 475
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(623): View more from Arizona

I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about

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