Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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