I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
