You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
