So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
