I think I died a long time ago.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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