There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize