my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
