she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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