hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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