god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
