Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
