Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
