I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
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