I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
