her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
