life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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