he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
