she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
