We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it hurts more in the daytime
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
